April 13, 2009
1. I kept trying to write this entry about how angry I was; how my whole body was full of rage and how I wanted to change that because I didn’t think it was healthy but I didn’t really know what to say. I mean, other than: I tried to be kind instead of angry but instead I was just incredibly sad.
2. When my best friend was dying I drove her across the island we were living on to go to a doctor’s appointment. She had this tumor in her spine that was crushing her vertebrae so I had to drive really slowly and avoid any bumps or sudden movements. As we drove this guy tail-gated us and beeped and swerved and cursed until I reached a point in the road that I could safely pull over and let him pass. And then he passed me and beeped and swerved some more. When I have moments where I am feeling like that man I try to remember that maybe the person who is driving me crazy is having the very worst day of their life and I should treat them kindly.
3. Basically right now that means that alternate between wanting to throw hydrochloric acid all over the face of that annoying kid on the streetcar and worrying that every single bird in the sky is going to die of hunger and freeze to death all at once.
4. And that sometimes it feels incredibly hard to be alive when everyone else is alive right next to you.