May 3, 2009
1. One of things I love most in the entire world is the before footage on the standard infomercial where regular people demonstrate how difficult it is to complete every day tasks. Making a hamburger? There is three inches of bubbling grease in the pan and every time they try to flip a burger it breaks into pieces, landing on the stove and the floor; flying across the room and leaving burger-prints on the wall. Obviously what they need is a super-easy BURGER PRESS to make FIVE TINY BURGERS in just SECONDS.
2. That, and that alone, can save you from the pageant of butchery and splattering grease that would otherwise accompany every hamburger EVER MADE.
3. This morning I woke up and immediately started to think about what cardigan I could wear over my dark grey tee and was the office ready for my lily-white legs (TRUE STORY: the other night I turned off all the lights and opened the back door to call the dogs in and a MOTH FLEW RIGHT INTO MY BLAZINGLY PALE CHEST) and then I realized it was SUNDAY. I did not have to go to work for another 24 hours.
4. In summary: no, the office is not ready for my bare legs (I am buying self-tanner this afternoon) and holy shit, I am so lucky. I love my job. My calculations show that there are pretty much six people on planet Earth that love their job because WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE LOVES THEIR JOB? My life is full of good things. I have gay beige dog that sleeps on my pillow and snores in my ear and there is a motherfucking redbud tree about to bloom in the backyard WHAT THE HELL ELSE COULD YOU ASK FOR?
5. I mean, other than ice cream.