May 3, 2009

nine

Posted in kate, things I like at 10:16 am by kate

1. One of things I love most in the entire world is the before footage on the standard infomercial where regular people demonstrate how difficult it is to complete every day tasks. Making a hamburger? There is three inches of bubbling grease in the pan and every time they try to flip a burger it breaks into pieces, landing on the stove and the floor; flying across the room and leaving burger-prints on the wall. Obviously what they need is a super-easy BURGER PRESS to make FIVE TINY BURGERS in just SECONDS.

2. That, and that alone, can save you from the pageant of butchery and splattering grease that would otherwise accompany every hamburger EVER MADE.

3. This morning I woke up and immediately started to think about what cardigan I could wear over my dark grey tee and was the office ready for my lily-white legs (TRUE STORY: the other night I turned off all the lights and opened the back door to call the dogs in and a MOTH FLEW RIGHT INTO MY BLAZINGLY PALE CHEST) and then I realized it was SUNDAY. I did not have to go to work for another 24 hours.

4. In summary: no, the office is not ready for my bare legs (I am buying self-tanner this afternoon) and holy shit, I am so lucky. I love my job. My calculations show that there are pretty much six people on planet Earth that love their job because WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE LOVES THEIR JOB?  My life is full of good things. I have gay beige dog that sleeps on my pillow and snores in my ear and there is a motherfucking redbud tree about to bloom in the backyard WHAT THE HELL ELSE COULD YOU ASK FOR?

5. I mean, other than ice cream.

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5 Comments »

  1. Catie said,

    Listen, I live in California where everyone is tan and I go out all the time with my lily white legs. Surely CANADA can deal with your legs.

  2. Daniela said,

    Now i want that burger thing and i am on a 30 day shopping ban. damn you.

  3. Brian said,

    I LOVE THE INFOMERCIAL FOOTAGE OF WHICH YOU SPEAK, among other things because frequently that footage is in black and white, which clearly is because life was essentially meaningless before the Sham-Wow came along. My greatest unfulfilled ambition is to make one long montage of “Life Before This Miraculous Invention” footage, then foist it on the world to make it happy for ten minutes.

    My favorite one is in the ad for the pasta pan that comes apart, or something to that effect? Where the harried mom is trying to make pasta, yet ends up dumping it all over the place (along with the water it’s just finished boiling in, which, hello third-degree burns), and it cuts to her enraged family sitting around the dinner table, and you can see the kids mouthing the words “MOOM!!!” and the husband is angrily and broadly and repeatedly pointing at his watch BECAUSE GOD DAMMIT PHYLLIS HE’S GOT A SCHEDULE TO KEEP AND THESE GODDAMN PASTA SHENANIGANS ARE JUST ABOUT THE LAST FUCKING STRAW HERE. The pointing-repeatedly-at-the-watch gesture has become a staple of Erin’s and my communication with each other.

  4. kate said,

    Oh Brian YOU ARE MY PEOPLE. I will now tattoo every word of your hilarious comment on my chest.

  5. Swistle said,

    Our favorite is the “Tired of trying to make pizza in a toaster?” one, where the mom is TRYING TO CRAM A FROZEN PIZZA INTO THE TOASTER FTLOG. WHO DOES THAT?? WHO?? Who has tried so many times to make pizza in a toaster that they are TIRED of it?


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