October 31, 2009

thirteen

Posted in kate, things I feel strongly about at 9:09 pm by kate

1. Last month I was on my way back from my birthday business trip when I realized that I could not remember the name of the woman my husband had had an affair with. It was simultaneously astonishing and delicious to realize how far I was from that entire series of events; for months and months I had been consumed by rage towards this person and now I could not even summon up enough energy to think of her name.

2. I remember now, of course (and I would probably stab her without hesitation if given the chance), but the idea of her doesn’t consume me like it once did. And that is really wonderful news — walking around with a belly full of hate for all those months was bad for me, it was like drinking Tabasco straight from the bottle twenty four hours a day.

3.  I don’t even know if there is a third thing here. It’s getting colder but it hasn’t snowed yet. Every morning at six or so I leash up the dog and we walk for an hour. My hands have gotten really dry and pretty soon I will have to start wearing winter gloves. Above all I have been trying to fill my life with more love and more joy.

4. Honestly? The pursuit of love and joy are a total bitch sometimes. My goal is kind of to make the joy of other people less cloying and annoying and maybe at some point I will stop punching myself in the face when I encounter pure, radiant joy in my own life.

5. Love, as always, is another story entirely.