January 10, 2010
1. So I recently bought this tote in grey from Lululemon and it is wonderful.
2. The tote came in a reusable shopping bag, which is a fine and reasonable thing, except that one side of the reusable bag was covered with earnest inspirational sayings (“BREATHE DEEPLY!”), which is also fine and reasonable except that most of the earnest inspirational sayings were 100% bullshit.
3. Ergo, “Do one thing a day that scares you.” Many things scare me, chief among them crossing a busy street with my eyes closed, eating food that I find on the sidewalk, going to bed with my front door unlocked and open, asking my ex-husband if gee wouldn’t he like to marry me all over again. Doing things that scare you is stupid. There is a reason they scare you.
4. On the other hand, I am tempted to do the Lululemon reusable shopping bag one better and simply obtain a full-grown, untrained puma, store him in my bathroom and spend every single day in full-blown terror! I mean, if you’re going to do it YOU SHOULD GO ALL THE WAY, right?
5. One of the other ridiculous bullshit sayings is so profoundly disturbing I don’t even want to write about it and yet. I kind of have to. The saying, in full, is “Children are the orgasm of life. Just like you did not know what an orgasm was before you had one, nature does not let know how great children are until you have them.”
7. I mean.
8. It’s not okay to have “children” and orgasm” in the same sentence unless you are discussing your post-partum sex life with your partner, your best friends or your gynecologist. Other than that it’s pretty much gross and/or creepy.
9. Further, it’s not like children are something that only happen behind closed doors. There are children everywhere and they are often wonderful and joyful and very frequently they wear adorable outfits. It seems obvious to me that kids are great. And it seems obvious to me that orgasms are something completely and totally different.
10. Although — if any of your orgasms have learned to ride a bike, fly a kite, or jump double-dutch, please let me know. I am always happy to stand corrected.
January 7, 2010
1. Last night I put this stuff on my face and it is amazing. It makes my skin feel like the dewy, unblemished skin of a Canadian Teen Pop Star and the first step of the two-step process smells exactly like Mr. Clean Orange Cleaner which is one my absolute favorite smells in the entire world.
2. It is also a total steal at $65 for two 2 oz bottles. Even though saying that kind of makes me want to punch myself in the mouth it is absolutely true. Unless you are already a dewy Canadian Teen Pop Star. Then all bets are off.
3. There is supposed to be a third thing here and I think the third thing is basically me paddling around in a vat of Mr. Clean Orange Cleaner smearing expensive crap on my face.
4. And my apologies.
January 6, 2010
1. So I’m going to Vegas next week and I need a new suitcase.
2. I need a new suitcase because when I left for the airport to take my last trip I discovered that the handle on my super-convenient rolling suitcase would not — well, it wouldn’t do whatever the opposite of retract was. It would not extend.
3. Do you know how useful a super-convenient rolling suitcase is if the handle will not extend? IT’S COMPLETELY USELESS. It took me about an hour to get that stupid, bulky, retracted-handle fucker across the airport.
4. Fortunately, I was pulled aside for an extensive search and screening before I was allowed to board the plane. It was during this time that I discovered that by laying my suitcase flat on its back, unzipping it and rifling around inside, I was then — and only then — able to pull the handle out and use my suitcase like a normal fucking suitcase.
5. I tried to streamline the process a little, of course. I thought that maybe I could just lay it flat on its back and pull the handle out, or maybe that I could just open the zipper and rifle a little, but I learned that I absolutely had to complete all the steps in that order: lay suitcase flat on back, open zipper fully, engage in at least thirty seconds of rifling and then, only then, could I pull the handle out.
6. I completed the process here in Toronto, on a layover in Phoenix and then again when we landed in California. And in front of our hotel after we got out of the cab. It was like traveling with a temperamental cat and I if I had a dime for every time I called that suitcase a stupid motherfucker I would be writing this entry from my own private island.
7. So I’m going to Vegas next weekend. And I need a new suitcase.
January 5, 2010
1. Every Wednesday I publish a pregnancy column where I talk about pregnancy and pregnant ladies and what pregnant ladies are wearing and let me just clarify right now: I am not pregnant right now, nor have I ever been.
2. I really like writing this column, though, I like finding really wonderful maternity pieces and newborn gear and also, I am moderately envious that there is an entire branch of fashion which promotes ladies sticking their tummies out and beaming. I have a tummy! I like to beam! But because my tummy isn’t made of PERSON it’s just not as cute.
3. When I had been writing the column for thirty or so weeks I heard from my older sister for the first time in a long time.
4. She was thirty weeks pregnant.
5. My initial reaction was sadness, because I hadn’t realized we were so far out of touch she could move across the country (she had) and gestate an entire person (she had) without my knowing.
6. That’s not a trend I want to encourage in my life. One of my goals for this year was to be warmer and I think when I say warmer I mean closer and when I say closer I mean kinder, more considerate, more involved.
7. I have said this 100 times already but honestly all I want to do with my adult life is to go back to the person I was when I was eighteen: full of hope, endlessly supportive, open, optimistic, inquisitive, unfailingly kind.
January 4, 2010
1. I think I can safely say that I know how to start off a new year: after a long walk with the dog (and the dog’s footwear and no, I am still not over that) I went to work and was very productive, I ate sushi and bought an iPod Touch and then joined a gym between my office and my house (which are only 1km apart themselves).
2. Plus I looked super-cute.
3. I believe this is what we call being on fire.
4. Right now it is extremely important that I sit on my couch with my dog and watch some episodes of How I Met Your Mother. This show is sort of my favorite thing lately and it regularly makes me laugh until I cry.
5. Real live tears! Running down my face. You heard it here first.
January 3, 2010
1. I am going to try to write every day for a little while, even if that little while is just this one single day.
2. Tomorrow is the first Monday of the new year which means it feels like a new beginning. It’s also colder than a fucking bitch outside, so cold that I was forced to buy my dog a pair of dog boots to wear on his feet EVEN THOUGH HE IS A DOG.
3. I never imagined that I would become that person, the sort of person who buys footwear for an animal and then I did.
4. (The very worst part of this, of course, is that by purchasing footwear for my dog I now have to write a note to his dog walker to tell him oh, hey, before you take this animal to the park so he can crap on the ground would you mind just strapping these tennis shoes to his feet? BECAUSE THAT MAKES SENSE.)
5. So tomorrow is the first Monday of the new year and it feels like a new beginning. A new year in which I become a person I never imagined becoming, again and again.
6. I guess I am starting with dog boots and moving on to bigger things, better things, matters of the heart, maybe.