January 6, 2010
1. So I’m going to Vegas next week and I need a new suitcase.
2. I need a new suitcase because when I left for the airport to take my last trip I discovered that the handle on my super-convenient rolling suitcase would not — well, it wouldn’t do whatever the opposite of retract was. It would not extend.
3. Do you know how useful a super-convenient rolling suitcase is if the handle will not extend? IT’S COMPLETELY USELESS. It took me about an hour to get that stupid, bulky, retracted-handle fucker across the airport.
4. Fortunately, I was pulled aside for an extensive search and screening before I was allowed to board the plane. It was during this time that I discovered that by laying my suitcase flat on its back, unzipping it and rifling around inside, I was then — and only then — able to pull the handle out and use my suitcase like a normal fucking suitcase.
5. I tried to streamline the process a little, of course. I thought that maybe I could just lay it flat on its back and pull the handle out, or maybe that I could just open the zipper and rifle a little, but I learned that I absolutely had to complete all the steps in that order: lay suitcase flat on back, open zipper fully, engage in at least thirty seconds of rifling and then, only then, could I pull the handle out.
6. I completed the process here in Toronto, on a layover in Phoenix and then again when we landed in California. And in front of our hotel after we got out of the cab. It was like traveling with a temperamental cat and I if I had a dime for every time I called that suitcase a stupid motherfucker I would be writing this entry from my own private island.
7. So I’m going to Vegas next weekend. And I need a new suitcase.