January 10, 2010
1. So I recently bought this tote in grey from Lululemon and it is wonderful.
2. The tote came in a reusable shopping bag, which is a fine and reasonable thing, except that one side of the reusable bag was covered with earnest inspirational sayings (“BREATHE DEEPLY!”), which is also fine and reasonable except that most of the earnest inspirational sayings were 100% bullshit.
3. Ergo, “Do one thing a day that scares you.” Many things scare me, chief among them crossing a busy street with my eyes closed, eating food that I find on the sidewalk, going to bed with my front door unlocked and open, asking my ex-husband if gee wouldn’t he like to marry me all over again. Doing things that scare you is stupid. There is a reason they scare you.
4. On the other hand, I am tempted to do the Lululemon reusable shopping bag one better and simply obtain a full-grown, untrained puma, store him in my bathroom and spend every single day in full-blown terror! I mean, if you’re going to do it YOU SHOULD GO ALL THE WAY, right?
5. One of the other ridiculous bullshit sayings is so profoundly disturbing I don’t even want to write about it and yet. I kind of have to. The saying, in full, is “Children are the orgasm of life. Just like you did not know what an orgasm was before you had one, nature does not let know how great children are until you have them.”
7. I mean.
8. It’s not okay to have “children” and orgasm” in the same sentence unless you are discussing your post-partum sex life with your partner, your best friends or your gynecologist. Other than that it’s pretty much gross and/or creepy.
9. Further, it’s not like children are something that only happen behind closed doors. There are children everywhere and they are often wonderful and joyful and very frequently they wear adorable outfits. It seems obvious to me that kids are great. And it seems obvious to me that orgasms are something completely and totally different.
10. Although — if any of your orgasms have learned to ride a bike, fly a kite, or jump double-dutch, please let me know. I am always happy to stand corrected.