September 6, 2010
1. I got mugged about six years ago, when I lived in China, and it was awful. I was beaten up, I was terrified, I was very nearly deported. At the time I lived alone in a big apartment with seven deadbolts on the door and I was so scared of dying or being assaulted again that I barely slept. I was sad and a little loopy most days and then I started to pretend that I was someone that I loved very much who needed to be taken care of. And it was true, of course, I love myself very much. I need to take care of myself. I just wished it had not taken me twenty years to realize that I should care for myself the same way I would care for someone else.
2. This summer felt a lot like that summer. All summer I have cried and cried; my hobbies included sobbing uncontrollably and weeping uselessly. It’s been a long, sad summer, and when I made plans to visit my aunt in the US her friend said, which niece is visiting? The one with the baby or the one who cries all the time? Usually August is the worst month of the year and this year I felt like I had three Augusts in a row. Or maybe twelve. I took care of myself, of course, which mostly meant lots of trips to the park with the dog and ice cream cones in the middle of the day and completely cutting off people who make me feel like shit when I talk to them. It’s September now, which helps, and I’ve just hired someone to repaint the soffit in my apartment, which I am sure will help as well.
(3. My apartment is long and narrow-ish and duct work, covered by a boxy soffit, runs along the ceiling from the front to the back. The previous occupants painted it a pale, Shamrock Shake green, I think because they wanted to see how long it would take me to either repaint it or kill myself.)
4. Since it is September and I am feeling better I am hoping to post more frequently to this page. I am all done crying, Internet! And as it turns out I have so much to say.