September 12, 2010

twenty-four

Posted in kate, things I feel strongly about at 10:54 am by kate

1. Here is something wonderful: I walk to and from work every day. I live in a big, crowded city and I see, I don’t know, maybe 500 people each time I walk to or from work. Maybe more? (Maybe I should count one day, because I really have no idea.)

2. For a long time—and I sort of mean the first twenty-eight or so years of my life—when I saw people in passing I would immediately rank them: yes, I would like to be that person. No, I would not. Usually it fell about 50/50 yes and no; everything from a cute pair of shoes to a particularly well-composed outfit could make me vote yes. Anyone with spectacular hair was an automatic yes, as was anyone with a lanky, runway-ready figure.

3. Here is the wonderful thing: I realized this summer that I don’t want to be anyone else. I don’t want to be half of the people I see every morning, I don’t even want to be a single one of them. I don’t want to be you, even if you are gorgeous, even if those jeans make your ass look magnificent, even if you are famous and articulate and well-groomed. I am perfectly happy being myself.

4. I am not sure if everyone else is born feeling this way or you all had to come to the realization gradually, like I did, but it is an amazing feeling. I accept myself. Even though my ass looks terrible in these jeans, even though I’m single and portly and I cried all summer, even though I’m divorced! and my best friend is dead and my dog (my dog) suffers from anxiety.

5. I feel two ways about this revelation. One, I am absolutely delighted. Two, I am terrified that I am one Soy Boy brand not-dog away from becoming an insufferable hippie full to brim with love. And for that, I apologize. I have never been a fan of hippies. And neither have you.

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5 Comments »

  1. Biscuit said,

    !!!KATE I had no idea you were making numbered lists again and I got so excited I just read the entire thing all at once on my PHONE. I would add IN THE RAIN!! or WHILE BEING ATTACKED BY WOLVES!! to underscore just how important it is to read everything you write the second I know it exists, but neither of those things would be strictly true. My chair was very uncomfortable, though, which I think counts a little.

  2. Swistle said,

    I came to the realization gradually that I didn’t even want to LOOK like anyone else. YES I would like to be thinner, YES I would like to be prettier—but if it meant a TRADE, even with someone I consider totally ideal, I’d prefer my own familiar self. That was an odd realization and has made me feel better in a lot of ways. NON-HIPPIE ways.

  3. bluesleepy said,

    What a lovely feeling to experience! I am glad you have reached this revelation. It’s a good one to have.

  4. Stacie said,

    I made the realization a few years ago that everybody has their demons. Even if they are gorgeous and skinny, maybe they have a mother that is uber-critical. Or in debt up to her eyeballs. Or her boyfriend comes home drunk with a different excuse every time. I kind of like me. And real hippies are kind of creepy.

  5. Katie said,

    I realized how long it’s been since I read your blog, and so I caught up on five or so today, and realized: I am still utterly in love with you and we should be friends. Missed your writing, totally going to do better at keeping current.


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